Article Archives

Introducing...The Guilford County Marriage Resource Center
December 2004

HOW TO KEEP YOUR LOVE ALIVE
December, 2004

Couples don’t always realize how important it is to work at their marriage after the wedding has come and gone. The truth is your marriage needs on-going maintenance. This special attention helps to keep communication open and love alive. There are fun, practical, and inexpensive ways to do this. Try some of the ideas below and let us know how they work for your relationship with your spouse.

• CHOOSE A DATE NIGHT – Choose one night out of each month to do something that you both consider to be fun (without the children). If you have difficulty agreeing, put your ideas in a jar (6 for each of you) and pull an idea each month.
• CHECK IN WITH EACH OTHER– Set aside time to talk about important issues each week. Turn off the television, put the children to bed (and the dog out), and turn the ringer off on the telephone. Take turns sharing and listening. When one talks, the other needs to listen. Important: no interruptions while your spouse is sharing.
• MAKE IT HAPPEN – Be intentional and do something on purpose for your spouse. Let it be something that your spouse deems important. Do it for the purpose of satisfying, encouraging and indulging your mate. Make sure there are no conflicts on the calendar!
• EXERCISE TOGETHER – In an effort to support good health for the sake of your marriage, encourage your spouse to “get physical” by exercising together. Find something you both enjoy – swimming, bicycling, floor stretching exercises, walking or exercising at the gym. The important thing is that you “Just Do It!”
• AFFIRM YOUR SPOUSE – Encourage your spouse with positive words and kind actions. Refrain from blaming your spouse for negative things you see in your relationship. Take responsibility by owning your part. Don’t tear down, build up.
• CULTIVATE YOUR FRIENDSHIP – Friends share and care for one another. They enjoy being together and miss each other when apart. Nurture your friendship by calling each other during the day to check on one another. “I just called to say I love you” is a powerful way to cultivate your friendship.

For more information, comments, or ideas, contact Lamonica Mitchell

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Before you get married…
January, 2005

The pressure for a “perfect” wedding is tremendous. Almost from the moment a couple decides to wed, there are discussions about the flowers, receptions, gowns, and gift registries. Unfortunately, during wedding planning, couples often neglect to plan for the marriage itself. They miss the opportunity to prepare for a wonderful marriage that will last.

Click here for more information for engaged couples.

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How to... Show you care without breaking the bank!
January, 2005

Valentine’s day is only a month away, but don’t wait for just that day to show your spouse that you care. Here are 6 easy ideas that cost you only a little time and creativity.

• Leave little complement notes in their path. Nothing brightens a day more than knowing that someone is thinking of you. Make sure you leave the notes in spaces that you know that your spouse is sure to see like on the mirror in their car, in their lunch bag, in their underwear drawer or on their computer.
• Date your Spouse. Send the kids to the neighbors or Grannies so that the two of you can spend time together. Even if you can’t get away, have a date night at home. Turn off the TV, let the answering machine get the phone, and spend time focused on each other.
• Send an e-card . Some websites offer free greeting cards that can be sent via email. Or you can create your own message in an email. It’s an unexpected way to put a smile on your honey’s face when they get to work.
• Make a coupon book . Use strips of paper to create coupons for your sweetheart. Be creative, find things that they enjoy, and make sure that when your spouse uses their coupon there are no strings attached.
• Listen. Make an effort to hear and understand what your spouse says to you. You don’t have to agree or even care about the topic to care about your partner.
• Prepare an indoor picnic . Come home at lunch time to prepare a nice picnic that is ready when your spouse gets home for dinner. Lay out a blanket and candles. Prepare finger sandwiches and other goodies that you can hand feed to your spouse.

For more information, comments, or ideas, contact Lamonica Mitchell

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HOW YOUR FAITH ORGANIZATION CAN SUPPORT MARRIAGE  
February, 2005

Most marriage ceremonies continue to be performed in a religious setting. This suggests that newlywed couples value the involvement of their faith community. A religious organization can play an important role in helping couples understand how to withstand the pressures within their union. Here are a few suggestions for a religious organization to provide marital support.

Large Group Services/Meetings: This kind of setting allows a couple to find their place within the larger body and practice their faith among those of like beliefs. These meetings can help a couple understand how they can practice their faith and apply the principles of their faith in their own relationship and with others.

Sermons/Messages on Marriage: Inspirational or instructional messages provide a foundational format for how a couple can express their faith and how they should interact with each other based upon what they believe. Sermons/messages of this sort help a couple take what might be considered as theological and make practical application.

Promote Book Reading : Books and readings can help to provide additional instruction on how to balance marriage and other outside commitments. Book groups are a helpful way to learn about new insights and then have the opportunity to discuss these topics with others.

Marriage Seminars and Retreats: This is an excellent way to help couples focus on the importance their relationship. Being away from the day to day demands of life and its built-in distractions, allows couples time to value one another, build on what is positive and strengthen areas that need growth.

Marriage Mentoring Program: Pairing couples of different ages and levels of relationship experience is a tremendous tool for building healthy marriages. Both couples benefit from the support, information and guidance.

For more information, comments, or ideas, contact Lamonica Mitchell

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3 T’s to Get to Know Someone
March, 2005

How do you really get to know someone? Many adults enter relationships wanting to believe they really know each other, but they are at least a little afraid that there might be another side to that person. Most people forget these three simple strategies for getting to know someone.

Time: As logical as it may sound, you cannot really know someone until you have spent time with them. Love at first sight may be romantic and exciting, but it is not based on substance. Initial feelings of attraction will fade over time. To build a strong relationship, the initial attraction should lead to time spent together for the purpose of getting to know and understand each other. Some experts suggest it takes a minimum of 3 months to begin to see problem patterns in someone else’s behavior.

Talk: Talk and listen to each other. Share information about what you believe, what you want from life, what your past experiences have been like. What do you think about men's and women’s roles? Do you want to have children? What was your parents' relationship like and is that what you want in your own adult life? A surprising number of people assume that if you love someone they will always agree with you. In fact, it is less important that couples agree with one another on everything and more important that they know and respect one another.

Togetherness: As necessary as time and talking are for getting to know someone, a lot of the important things we know about others we learned accidentally. You begin to really know someone when you have seen them in action in many settings – having fun, working, frustrated or angry, playing with children. This togetherness allows you to experience not only their best moments, but also their less than best moments.

Adapted from the "How Not to Marry a Jerk" Curriculum. Click here to learn about the next program in our community.

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How to... date for under $20 in the Triad

Tired of the old "Dinner and a Movie" Routine? Need to work within a budget? Whether you are single, newly married, new parents or enjoying retirement, dating is a great way to spend time with someone and let them know that you care. But you don't have to break the bank to do it! Check out these ideas and see what fun you can have discovering the Triad, while you build on your relationship with each other.

• Meet at a bookstore or public library and check out the latest books or sit and talk about a travel destination that you found in the travel section.
• Take a trip to the Piedmont Triad Farmers Market and pick up some fresh vegetables, fruits and flowers.
• Get competitive - play each other in a game of soccer, flag football, bowling or even a game of cards.
• Take a trip to the Greensboro Historical Museum . After you’ve toured the museum, grab a bite to eat at one of the many restaurants in walking distance: Solaris, Café Europa, Ganache or Georgies on Church street.
• Go to a place of worship together.
• Have a candlelight dinner at home with your favorite take out or even a homemade pizza.
• Volunteer together to help make our community a better place. Pick an organization that you both care about and give your time.
• Tour the Weatherspoon Art Gallery on the campus of the University of North Carolina at Greensboro or other local galleries in the Triad.
• Take a day trip to a nearby Triad city and check out what’s new in their community. Places to try include Winston-Salem, High Point, Lexington, Burlington, Thomasville, or Kernersville.
• Attend a local college baseball game in the spring and support one of our many Triad teams.
• Pack a picnic and go to the park for the day to enjoy the great outdoors. Greensboro Bicentennial Gardens, Greensboro Arboretum, and Country Park are all excellent starting points.
• Visit the High Point furniture stores and plan your “dream house”.

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Seven Tips for A Healthy Marriage
April, 2005

Author, psychiatrist and couples' therapist, John Jacobs discusses many of the ways our current society can damage marriages, in his book, "All You Need Is Love, And Other Lies About Marriage." The good news is that there are some concrete things you can do right now to strengthen your marriage, says Jacobs. You should see effects almost immediately!

1. Show appreciation - constantly, and even for things you think should be taken for granted.
2. Avoid blaming, critical language. Don't ever use these words: Stupid, selfish, idiot, liar, jerk, or any of their unprintable relatives.
3. Don't exaggerate. Avoid using words like "always" and "never."
4. Work on negotiating compromises rather than winning arguments.
5. Become unilaterally more giving. Stop waiting for the other person to go first.
6. Learn to listen without being defensive.
7. Don't hold on to anger.

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Keep Your Marriage Strong While Parenting
April, 2005

Raising children can put a strain on marriage. Recognizing these pressures and making choices to strengthen your marriage will benefit both the adults and children.

Make Time for One Another
Caring for children takes a lot of time and energy. It is easy for parents to become so involved with caring for their little one that they forget to spend time on their spouse.

To keep your marriage strong, you will need to make time for one another. This can include planned “date nights” on a regular basis. But it can also include slowing down and finding time to be together at other times. Make a point to talk everyday. You can sit together on the couch and catch up while the children play nearby. You can choose at least one night to turn off the television and spend time together at home. You will need to choose to spend quality time with each other.

Communicate with Respect
Differences between husbands and wives that are easy to ignore before children can become major obstacles after children are born. For example, value differences become more noticeable as parents try to decide what to teach the child. Religious differences can become more divisive.

The key to keeping your marriage strong despite these differences involves communication and respect. Communicate your beliefs, listen to your partner, and work together in a spirit of respect to make decisions.

Divide Housework
Household chores increase with the birth of a child – laundry, dishes, cleaning. One of the top argument starters in marriage is about who does what work around the house. With more work to do, there is more room for dissatisfaction and resentment.

Your marriage and your children will benefit from finding agreement about how to divide household chores. When it comes to marital satisfaction, it is less important who does how much work and more important that both people think it is divided fairly. Don’t complain to other people about your spouse. Have an honest conversation about what you each would like to see. Are there any chores that may not be necessary? How can the necessary jobs be divided? Work towards an attitude of teamwork.

Appreciate One Another
One more hint: appreciate your partner for what they are contributing already to the household. It is easy to focus on what we see as our spouse’s failures or lapses, but more difficult to acknowledge what they are accomplishing. Let your partner know that you appreciate what they are already doing for your family. Many people avoid doing certain chores because they have learned from experience that when they do the work, they are criticized.

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Research on How Marriages Change with the Birth of a Child
April, 2005

Having a baby always has a big impact on the couple’s relationship with one another. There are new stresses, worries, responsibilities, and joys affecting everyone in the family. Initially, most couples report feeling less satisfied with their relationship and some relationships never really recover. The good news is that many couples are able to adjust to these changes in such a way as to actually strengthen their marriages.

Research that followed 250 married couples from the late pregnancy through their child’s 3rd birthday is summarized in The Transition to Parenthood, published in 1994 by Delacorte Press and written by Jay Belsky and John Kelly. This research found that there were 4 categories of adjustment for couples after the birth of their first child.

• 12% were categorized as Severe Decliners with a much divided relationship.
• 38% were categorized as Moderate Decliners with a negative shift in their relationship.
• 30% were categorized as having No Change. They adjusted and their feelings towards one another returned to what it was before they had a child.
• 20% were categorized as Improvers. This group adjusted to the changes of adding a child to their family and their relationship was stronger and more positive than before.

This research found several key strategies for a positive adjustment to having a child. These include:

• Work together as a team.
• Find a way to divide household chores that is satisfactory to both partners.
• Find a way to handle stresses in way that doesn’t harm the marriage or the partner.
• Maintain some common interests.
• Accept that while marriage can be wonderful after a baby it will not be the exact same as before the baby. Be open to change.
• Continue to communicate. After a baby, couples may have to seek out opportunities to talk to one another.

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How to Reduce Wedding Stress
May, 2005
Christine Wilson, Family Life Council Intern

It is no secret that engaged couples can be stressed out! Even though planning a wedding can be a stressful time for a couple, stress does not have to take control. "Wedding stress is easier to handle if the couple can figure out where it is coming from", says Linda Patterson, an extension health specialist at Mississippi State University. Five common areas of stress for couples are: wedding vendors, divorced and bickering friends and family members, well meaning opinions from others, the parents of the bride and groom, and stress a couple can create for each other.

Nina Calloway from the www.theknot.com and Linda Patterson have a few suggestions to keep couple’s stress levels in check during their engagement:

• Remember, less can be more.
• Plan early and pace yourselves. Avoid last minute chaos.
• Know what you like and choose those things. Remember this is your wedding.
• Write everything down in a wedding notebook.
• To keep things in perspective, try and focus on the reasons you are going to say “I do”.
• Do not forget to take the time to remember the great things about each other.
• Remember to take care of yourself during this process. Eating well and exercising can be very beneficial in reducing stress.
• Setting aside personal time and not forgetting to play and laugh is also important in this process.

Patterson also says, “If couples can just keep themselves organized and healthy, they can have a less stressful and more joyful wedding to remember.” Though a wedding can be both magical and wonderful it is important to remember it only lasts a day, while the marriage is going to last a lifetime.

Sources:www. theknot.com; Woolfolk, Amy. (1998) Avoid wedding stress with extra planning. Family, youth, and consumer news- Mississippi State University. January 12, 1998. Amy Woolfolk’s article can be found: http://msucares.com/news/print/fcenews/fce98/980112lp.htm

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Ten Reasons to NOT Get Married
May, 2005

The reasons for getting married have an impact on the quality of the marriage. There are some reasons that can have a very negative impact and should be addressed before getting married. Les & Leslie Parrot have identified 10 reasons and discuss them in depth in their book entitled "Getting Ready for the Wedding." Here is their top 10 list of reasons NOT to get married as extracted from the book:

1. Love at first sight seems like a romantic reason for marriage, but it's not a good predictor of marital success. Such feelings alone provide a weak foundation for a long-lasting relationship.
2. Rebounding also hinders the chances for marital longevity. Research has found that people suffer low self-esteem after a breakup and are far less discriminating in choosing a partner because they are trying to cope with their loss.
3. Rebellion leads some into a marital mismatch. The truth is, parental interference can increase feelings of romantic attraction between partners - social-psychologists call it the "Romeo and Juliet Effect." As with marriage on the rebound, the wedding is a response to someone else rather than to one's partner.
4. Loneliness can sometimes drive a person into a hasty marriage. The problem with this motivation is that lonely people will en up lonely in marriage if the relationship doesn't have much more of a foundation to stand on. In other words, it is the relationship rather than the institution that banishes loneliness.
5. Obligation sometimes substitutes for love when considering marriage. Some partners marry because one of them feels too guilty to break it off or feels as though they must help the other. Such marriages don't work because the helper finds that his or her partner won't change so easily, and the pitied partner comes to resent being the object of a crusade.
6. Financial advancement is a marriage motivator for some. The person going into marriage mainly for economic reasons is not a likely candidate for marrying well.
7. Sexual attraction and guilt over sexual involvement is a popular but weak reasons for marriage. Sex is not a sufficient reason to marry and seldom leads to lifelong happiness. In fact, the sexual chemistry between two people often blinds the partners to other important relational qualities.
8. Premarital pregnancy is not a reason for marriage. A great deal of recent research has identified a consistent relationship between it and divorce.
9. Escape is perhaps the most damaging motivation for marriage. Some people marry to escape an unhappy home situation, hoping that a new person or a new environment will be better. Escaping from a situation is very different than choosing a life time partner.
10. Pressure from parents, peers, and society in general pushes some singles into marriage. The more one is identified as a couple, the more difficult it is to back out of an engagement. You should know, however, that breaking an engagement is less stressful than divorcing later or being unhappily married. By the way, about 100,000 couples decide to break their engagements each year.

Much can be done before a wedding to build a strong foundation for a healthy marriage. Engaged couples can complete the PREPARE inventory for $60 fee for 3 feedback sessions at the Family Life Council. Another option is to attend a workshop series. Click here to see the community calendar of events this summer. To learn more, contact Rebecca Starnes.

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How do you rate as a "Communicator" in your Marriage?
May, 2005

Promote Intimacy in Your Marriage.
June, 2005

After being married for a few years, people put less effort into how they relate to their spouse. The culprit often turns out to be familiarity. Mates often assume “It doesn't matter how I look, we’re married now. He/She should accept me as I am!” That kind of attitude can create problems as time goes on. When you dated your spouse, you put on your best behavior; you looked your best – all for the purpose of impressing your mate and putting yourself in first place. This behavior and appearance is part of what attracted your spouse.

Since marriage is for a lifetime, courting one another should be for the life of your marriage. Following are three secrets to keep the passion in your marriage.

Keep looking good for your mate:

• Avoid the “24/7”habit of looking your worse whenever you’re home. Take time to dress up for your spouse when he or she is not expecting it. Stay in shape or get in shape. Don’t let the “good life” grossly affect your looks. Get on an exercise program together.
• Maintain good hygiene. Poor hygiene can be a deterrent to intimacy.

Keep the love lights burning by scheduling romantic rendezvous:

• Whether you’re on a low budget or you’re able to splurge, time alone is necessary for continued growth in your relationship. Low budget dates can often be some of the most memorable and valued times. Set the atmosphere at home with the kind of ambiance both of you appreciate and have dinner with the focus for the evening being you and your spouse.
• Write love notes and put them in unexpected places for your spouse.

Keep feeding each other with words of affirmation and encouragement:

• Give praise to your spouse for things you appreciate. Tell him/her she looks good. Call your spouse in the middle of the day and say “I just called to tell you I love you.” Or, if he/she is dealing with a challenging situation “You’re a winner in my eyes.”
• Apologize when you’ve been wrong about something.

To learn more, plan to be part of "Becoming Passionate Partners" on Thursday, July 21, 2005 from 7:00 – 9:00 pm at Mount Zion Baptist Church. (1301 Alamance Church Rd.; Greensboro, NC) For more information, please contact LaMonica Mitchell at 333-6890 ext. 241.

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Fighting Fairly in your Marriage
June, 2005

One of the keys to a successful marriage is the ability to manage conflict. While conflict is a normal occurrence in every marriage, couples are often unprepared to deal with it. Unresolved conflicts lead to dissatisfaction and disillusionment within marriage, possibly leading to a divorce. Using the following guidelines, couples can develop a plan to successfully manage conflict.

Ground Rules for Fighting Fairly

• Identify a mutually agreeable time for your discussion.
• Identify a neutral location for your discussion.
• Agree on the topic for discussion beforehand.
• No physical and verbal abuse.
• No offensive remarks about ideas, characters, or behavior.
• Do not put the relationship on the line when you are not having your way.
• The person presenting the concerns begins by making a full statement, without interruption. The second person restates their understanding of the first person’s statement, without interruption. When the first person agrees that the second person has understood, the second person has the opportunity to respond. The first person restates the second’s person response to check for understanding.

Establishing guidelines will help couples to understand one another’s perspective and identify mutually agreeable options that may resolve the issue. If emotions prevent guidelines from being observed, declare a time–out. Reschedule for a time when both parties have calmed down.

Adapted from Gross, Stanley J. (2005). How to Fight Fairly. Retrieved from www.helphorizons.com on June 7, 2005

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Protecting the Friendship with your Spouse
June, 2005

Rocking the Boat
July, 2005

Imagine a raft – think Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. This raft can get you to where you need to go, but everyone on the raft must use care when entering, exiting or moving about the raft. Every time there is a change, the raft rocks and may wobble. If there is a lot of a change or rough water, there will be a lot more rocking. It can take a little while for things to settle back down and balance out.

Marriages are much like this little raft. Every change will necessitate finding a new balance. Moving, job changes, childbirth, children moving out, health changes all require adjustment. In these circumstances, the marriage and the entire family will experience some change.

Change – a word that can seem scary – is not by itself a problem. Successfully negotiating life changes, in such a way as to strengthen and preserve your marriage, is possible. Here are some suggestions to finding balance on your "marriage raft":

• Keep Some Things Constant : Especially in times of extreme change, keep connected to important traditions and memories.
• Be Open to Change: Life changes will require letting go of the comfortable, but it also will involve embracing new experiences, if you are willing. For example, when a child moves out of the house, family routines will be different. But it is an opportunity to do things that may not have been possible before because of the responsibility of raising a child.
• Be Flexible: As families change, there will be a period of adjustment that may be rocky. Flexibility during this time will help everyone regain their sense of balance. Try to find points you can agree upon and use these as common ground in the relationships.
• Communicate: While each person will have to deal with changes on their own, communication will keep everyone connected to one another. Communication is what allows us to understand the people we care for. Make time, listen without judging or interrupting, and be patient.
• Be Patient: Depending on how severe the change is, adjustment can take time. Also, each member of the family will adjust at their own pace.

If you would like more tips about Marriage Enrichment opportunities, contact Rebecca Starnes at the Family Life Council.

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What do You Believe About Money?
July, 2005

Financial problems are one of most common reason given for divorce.  The amount of money is less important for the success of a marriage than the way the couple works together to make financial decisions. A person’s orientation toward money will affect how they interact with those around them.  Differences in how individuals in a marriage view money will impact how they are able to relate to one another.  Understanding how your spouse views money and what it means to you is a first step to being able to make financial decisions in such a way as to preserve and strengthen your relationship. From the Empowering Couples book:

§ Money as status is a means of keeping ahead of others.  This kind of attitude falls short of proper financial management and good stewardship, and inappropriately focuses on competitive acquisition of riches.  If the financial foundation is shaky, so is the communication and intimacy.

§ Money as security means a person will have a conservative view of handling his funds.  This can be an area of serious conflict if the spouse is a spendthrift.

§ Money as enjoyment may reveal a frivolous and spend-thrifty approach to spending.  Couples need to agree on how they will use and set aside funds for enjoyment, i.e. vacations, date nights, gifts as rewards.

§ Money as control can reflect a person’s need for power over others.  When one spouse is not willing to relinquish the reins to share in joint management of funds, it puts the relationship in jeopardy.  Many a spouse has been left unexpectedly with an untimely death of their spouse, not knowing anything about the finances.

If a couple has a different orientation of how to manage money, conflict is often inevitable.  You’ve heard the old adage, “money talks”, but the sad fact is that couples often don’t talk when there are money problems.  The Center for Marriage and Family (2000) has found that debt is the number one problem for newlyweds.  In a study of 21, 501 couples, Olson (2003) identified 66% of the couples surveyed indicated problems associated with major debt was one of the five stumbling blocks in marriage.  In contrast, happy couples professed they did not have debt problems.

The Empowering Couples series by Life Innovations explores these views and others. To be part of our next Empowering Couples series or to sponsor your own, contact Rebecca Starnes.

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Somebody is Watching You

The National Fatherhood Initiative recently published an article adapted from the book What Children Learn from their Parents’ Marriage by Judith Siegel. They remind us that our children are learning from us even when we are not aware. They learn from us when we try to teach them and they learn from watching how we interact with others.

When it comes to marriage, little eyes are watching how their parents and other married couples interact with one another. They see gestures we may believe are hidden – good and bad. They are developing ideas of what it means to be married and how men and women should behave. They may not be aware and they probably won’t talk to you about it. But we must remember that without even realizing it, they are preparing for their own future relationships.

Contact the Marriage Resource Center about our program entitled, "Keeping your Marriage Strong while Parenting." We can customize this program for your school, faith group or other organization.

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Solve It Now!

Experiencing problems in our lives, whether small hiccups or large crises, is one constant that connects each one of us. While we cannot prevent all problems, we can learn strategies to help us cope and survive.

Here are Joel Saltzman’s 12 Top Tips to Solve it Now!

Like to try a more "creative" approach to solving your problem or finding a great solution?
Here are 12 Top Tips to "Solve It NOW!" and get you started on the road to innovation.

1. BE OPTIMISTIC
The more you believe you can solve your problem, the more you'll keep at it. Know that it may take some time, but eventually you'll discover one or more solutions — maybe even some extraordinary ones.

2. BE CLEAR
Never try to solve a problem before you know what it is: Write down your problem in the form of a clear, precise question and you're halfway to the answer. Then again: Always pose your question at least two very different ways. For example ...

3. ASK, "WHAT'S THE 'OPPOSITE' OF MY QUESTION?"
Remember Tom Sawyer and the fence that needed mending? Instead of asking,
"How can I do this work?" he asked: "How can someone else do all this fun?"

4. QUESTION YOUR ASSUMPTIONS
Make a list of everything about your situation that you know to be true -- no matter how small or insignificant it may seem. Now go back and question every assumption you've made. "Is that really so? Does it have to be that way? How could it be done some other way?"

5. PRACTICE PIE-IN-THE-SKY THINKING
Allow yourself to look for wild, outlandish ideas -- even if they seem impossible at first. As Einstein put it: "If at first an idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it."

Most of us would go, "That's a crazy idea -- forget about it." To which Einstein would counter: "Got a crazy idea? Let's take a look at it!"

6. THINK OF YOUR ABSOLUTE WORST IDEA
Why worry about trying to come up with a great idea when it's so much easier to come up with a rotten idea! Freed from trying to come up with the greatest idea ever, you might just discover that a terrible idea can be "tweaked" into greatness.

7. BE PERSISTENT -- NEVER TAKE "YES" FOR AN ANSWER
Instead of saying, "Yes, that's it!," learn to say, "Well, that could be it." Then go find some more ideas. As H. L. Mencken put it: "For every human problem there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong." Remember: The best way to get a great idea is to get lots of ideas! Just keep at it.

8. REFUSE TO ACCEPT "EITHER OR" THINKING
"Either Or" thinking hems you in, limiting your options way too severely. Always look for a third, fourth, even fifth alternative. Then keep looking for more solutions. And think of a way to combine solutions. For example, instead of a gasoline powered car or an electric car, there's the hybrid car, where two solutions -- gas and electric -- work together.

9. ASK YOURSELF, "WHAT WOULD __________ DO?"
Fill in the blank with the name of a famous person: Groucho Marx, Donald Trump, Madonna. Or think of someone you personally know and admire. Try their way of thinking... and see where it gets you.

10. ASK SOMEONE ELSE
Want some fresh, new ideas? Ask other people what they would do!
No one said you had to go it alone.

11. WALK AWAY FROM IT
Take a walk, do the treadmill, take a shower. "You go back to it," says novelist John Irving (The Cider House Rules), "and you suddenly see something that if you'd been rushing and pushing, you wouldn't have seen." Finally ...

12. HAVE FUN WITH IT
Let's get serious: Problem solving demands a sense of fun. That's what loosens us up and gets our creative juices flowing. Remember: Most of all, problem solving ... is a game!

Adapted from Joel Saltzman's book, "SHAKE THAT BRAIN! - How To Create Winning Solutions and Have FUN While You're At It!," to be published by Wiley 12/05.

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Start 2006 with a gift to support and recognize strong, healthy marriages!

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The Truth about Valentine's Day

From the High Price Saint Valentine Paid ... to the High Prices Americans Pay Today.

Legend has it that Saint Valentine was executed because he was secretly marrying couples in the Roman Empire when marriage was outlawed. Saint Valentine paid the ultimate price of his life for his passionate principles of true love and marriage. According to the latest survey conducted for the National Retail Federation, Americans paid the high price of $12.79 billion in 2004 for the holiday honoring this very saint. A fair comparison? You be the judge. In marriage there are many costs, but this Valentine’s Day try to focus on love. Here are some websites that might help during this holiday season.

• Romantic Ideas and Things to Do for Valentine's Day
• Inexpensive Valentine Ideas from Brilliant Wedding Pages
• Romantic Ideas for Valentine's Day from About.com
• Classic, humorous, cute and Romantic E-cards from Hallmark
  

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True Love Stories from Near and Far

“The Campbell’s met as students at Campbell University where they both sang in the touring choir. After a performance in the Duke Gardens, she fell in love with him and proposed. He says that she begged. Bill said yes and two years later they were married. They have moved 23 times in 42 years of marriage. They have 3 children, 3 grandchildren, and 2 great-grandchildren. Their tip for marriage “ Give of yourself. Take on the servant role and you will forever be happy. Stay in love; go on dates; respect each other.”

This story is from the Family Life Council’s “Love For Life Awards” held in 2004. You can find more stories in the Resource Library at Family Life Council.

“One of my worst Valentine's Day turned into my most memorable. My husband & I were homeless & broke. We were driving to a new job in Dallas,Tx. Nerves on edge we had fought all day long. It had gotten so bad neither of us were speaking anymore. The sun went down & after a remarkably beautiful sunset there was a full moon. Instead of enjoying it, it just made me feel more alone. Suddenly George Jones came on the radio with "He Stopped Loving Her Today". As the tears welled up in my eyes I turned towards the window so he couldn't see me cry. Then out of nowhere Doug said; ‘I don't know what I'd do if I lost you now. I'm so sorry. I love you.’ All the little romantic gifts I've long forgotten. But I'll never forget that & after 20 yrs. whenever things get bad I still draw on the love I felt at that moment. For the first time in my life I knew love could survive even the worst of times. —Sylvia McClelland-Morrison, Ashland, Ky.”

This story was one of the many stories you can find at http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6947749/.

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Valentine's Day: Not The Only Day Romance Should Be Alive

February is Guilford County Marriage Month and couples are encouraged to spend time focusing not only on the flowers and candy of Valentine’s Day, but also on rejuvenating and nourishing marriages. Although the stresses of daily life can easily overtake us, it is important for couples to be intentional about cultivating romance in their relationship. Robert Billingham, Associate Professor of Applied Health Science at Indiana University Bloomington, offers insight on keeping romance alive for married couples. He points out:

• It takes work to keep romance alive in marriage
• It is important to make time for romance in your marriage on a regular basis
• It is valuable to model the importance of marriage to your children

To read the entire article click here: http://www.mydna.com/resources/news/news_20050210_romancenotl.htm

For information about Marriage Enrichment opportunities in Guilford County, visit our website at www.gcmarriage.org or contact Rebecca Starnes at the Family Life Council.

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