Empty Nest

The kids are grown, off to college or the workforce, and out of the house. But rather than breathing that sigh of relief, you are overcome with a feeling of loss, sadness, and even depression. Don’t worry – you aren’t alone. The generation that was once termed “baby boomers” are now being labeled with a new term – “empty nesters.”

Those feelings of sadness and loneliness are what many psychologists and doctors call “empty nest syndrome.” Simply, empty nest syndrome refers to the grief that many parents feel when their children move out of home. The good news is there are ways to cope.
Here are a few tips:

1. Be careful not to neglect your relationships. – Many times couples find when their children leave home they are forced to re-examine their own relationship. Now that life is not centered around the child, couples may find themselves asking, “What do we talk about now?” It is important to find things you can enjoy doing together to keep the relationship alive. This would also be a great time to enroll in classes such as couple’s communication.
2. Keep in touch. – As tough as they may act, chances are your children are going through the same emotions. You both need love and reassurance. Set up a time that is convenient for you and your child to talk on the phone each week. Email always works great too.
3. Make time for yourself. – Take advantage of your newfound leisure time. Indulge in your own interests. This may be a great time to spend doing some of the things you love but never had time to do before, such as taking a pottery class, playing tennis, or fishing.
4. Talk to others. - -Chances are your friends have had or are currently having similar experiences. They can provide some much needed support.
5. It’s OK to cry. – Don’t suppress your feelings. It is perfectly normal to feel a little emotional as you go through this transitional time.

According to psychologist Karen L. Fingerman, most parents enjoy greater freedom during this time because it allows them to pursue their own goals and interests. She goes further in saying, “Seeing your own child start down the path of adulthood should give you a sense of pride and joy, rather than being a time of depression and identity crisis.” There is another way to look at this.

“The Second Half of Marriage” is another way of referring to the empty-nest years. This is a time for couples to turn their attention to one another, to make plans for the future based on where they are and to celebrate their life together. In order to proceed with this second half of marriage, it is helpful to be aware of issues that couples face during this season of change. The authors of the book Empty Nesting, cite ten areas that cause friction:

1. Conflict
2. Communication
3. Sex
4. Health
5. Fun
6. Recreation
7. Money
8. Aging parents
9. Retirement planning
10. Children

As mentioned, this is a time of marked change. The top three issues can in fact be problematic if not dealt with. You need to realize for the last eighteen or more years, the focus has been on the children, their activities and the perpetual demands of parenting. Conflict is inevitable whenever priorities are shifted and when people are not prepared for the changes. You need to sit down with your spouse and start talking again. Begin by talking about what you like to do and what’s important. Date each other and keep your attention on one another – not the kids and not the job. In the process of time, those inner feelings will resurface as the relationship is stoked by honest, open communication and quality time spent together.

Lastly, enjoy it while you can. Research from the 2000 census revealed that nearly 4 million young adults now live with their parents due to the tough job market, delayed marriage, and high housing costs. So take advantage of the much-deserved time to yourself because you never know when the “flock” may decide to fly back home to re-join the nest!

RESOURCES

Arp, David H., Claudia S. Arp, Scott M. Stanley, Howard J. Markman, and Susan L. Blumberg. Empty Nesting. Jossey – Bass Publishers, 2001.

Arp, David H., Claudia S. Arp, Scott M. Stanley, Howard J. Markman, and Susan L. Blumberg. Fighting for Your Empty Nest Marriage. Jossey – Bass Publishers, 2000.

Bovey, Shelley. The Empty Nest: When Children Leave Home. Independent Publishers, 1995.

Burghardt, Linda. The Happy Empty Nest. Citadel Trade Publishers, 2002.

Lauer, Robert H. and Jeanette C. How to Survive and Thrive in an Empty Nest: Reclaiming Your Life When Your Children Have Grown. New Harbinger Publishers, 1999.

Shaffer, Lauren and Sandy Fleischl Wasserman. 133 Ways to Avoid Going Cuckoo When The Kids Fly the Nest: A Parents Guide for Surviving Empty Nest Syndrome. Three Rivers Press, 2001.

	The Guilford County Marriage Resource Center staff and volunteers are happy to provide speakers and publicity or help you develop a custom seminar which will serve to strengthen relationships in your community organization.
	Look at the Calendar of Events for opportunities available to you.
	Contact our Resource Library staff for videos and publications available for check out.
	For more information, please contact us at info@gcmarriage.org

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